Becoming a new parent can be the most joyous event in a person’s life and for many it can also be the most stressful. To be honest, that’s kind of at the heart of parenting. It’s both things, joyful and stressful. There is nothing like a child to bring out the laughter, fun and joy in us but parenting also brings out the tougher emotions too. I often say that I’ve never laughed as much as I have since having a baby but I have also never gotten angry so many time either! There is something about the combination of sleep deprivation and being responsible for another human being that creates an incredible level of stress. I can still remember the days of frequent feedings through the night; I would start the day impatient, irritable and admittedly a little snappy with my husband.
 Of course, there are some challenging moments I can never forget. When my daughter was about four months old, we had finally got the feeding down and I thought things were moving in a good direction when we hit a sleep regression phase. She was waking every hour through the night and I was on my fourth night of no real sleep. It was about 1am and my daughter woke up crying…again. I had just fed her less than an hour before. My husband woke up and said ‘have you fed her yet? Just feed her!’ Something about that comment made me feel like I wasn’t doing my job well and that I should just ‘deal with her’ so we can both get back to sleep. It may not seem like a big deal but in that moment it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I started sobbing. Now I’m holding a crying baby and I’m crying harder than she is. My husband sits up and is totally baffled at the scene in front of him. He’s asking me ‘what’s going on’ but I am completely defeated, angry and too overwhelmed to answer. So many feelings are moving through me - I’m frustrated that she’s waking up again and again; upset that he can’t do more to help me or that he doesn’t understand how tired I am; and that I might not be cut out to be a good mom. One good look at me with the lights on and he takes baby and calms her down in the other room. I lay down and cry myself to sleep. Next thing I know I wake up 3 hours later and see my husband lying next to me with our daughter sleeping peacefully on his chest. That attuned gesture of taking over and allowing me some rest shifted everything. I woke up feeling like ‘I can do this’ and I was back in love with both of them. Life once again felt doable. There are hundreds of moments like that in the first year of parenting. It’s a time of so much change and so many new experiences. It’s mostly a really fun adventure but some days it can feel really hard too. It’s those days that remind myself that all things are repaired with us being ‘in connection’ with each other rather than being ‘in reaction’.  There are a couple things I do on a regular basis to prevent myself from losing it - either on my child or my partner. The first is The Pause: When I feel myself getting triggered and reacting to a situation I know I might say or do something I will regret later so before I take action I simply pause. Take 3 breaths, step away for a moment and pause before reacting. It changes everything. Especially with babies who we can’t converse with but it’s great with older children too ( or even partnersJ ). It’s on us to shift the dynamic from conflict to connection. Pausing gives us a chance to rewrite the outcome of that situation. Another great tool l use if I am feeling out of sync with my child and it’s starting to feel like ‘nothing is working today’ we take a bath together. Something special happens when we are totally focused on each other, no distractions, devices or chores to get in the way of us being with each other. We can be completely be together in the moment. The skin-to-skin time is healing beyond the first hours of birth and if you’re having trouble with breastfeeding it can work wonders too. Take 30min to simply be together in the water and I promise things will feel different. The first year together as a new family is so many things! It’s all new territory so give yourself the permission to be a ‘newbie’ and learn with and from each other. With that in mind, it’s a humbling, joyful journey that is like nothing else in life! |
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